Thursday, 31 March 2011

Apparently crazy runs in my family

If looking at my brother couldn't confirm that crazy runs in my family (sorry bro) then the conversation I recently had with my mum, (in which I mentally threw her through an open window out of frustration) proved to me that I was raised by nutters and it has rubbed off.
Mother's Day at this side of the world is on Saturday and as my parents are selling up their home and moving away, D and I thought it would be nice to treat her to a Chinese meal out. I arranged with my dad the best time for them (which is Saturday night) and I booked a table at the best place in town. When I called to confirm the reservation with my parents my mum went crazy and my dad just put her on the phone to me.

Mum: *angry* Why on earth are we going 7pm Saturday and not Mother's day
Holly: *flummoxed* because Dad said you are busy on Sunday and that Saturday night is best
M: Oh...well..he didn't say that
H: That's why I booked for Saturday
M: Can't we go earlier?
H: Well no, that's pretty much when they open
M: How about lunch
H: They don't open at lunch
M: *cross* Well will there be people there?
H: at lunch?
M: No at night
H: Well mum it is a restaurant, and if there isn't anyone in the restaurant you're eating at, it means everyone knows something you don't, and you probably shouldn't be eating there either.
M: So it'll be busy
H: It's a small place but the food is lovely and you have to book to get a table so it will be full but it's small and cosy and the bar is the size of a wardrobe.
M: So they'll be drunk people
H: (only me) no, it's not that sort of place it's a nice restaurant not a bar/eatery
M: I know how it works you go fill up your plate from a tray
H: No mum it's classy they do all you can eat but they bring it to your table freshly made and piping hot, it's wonderful.
M: I don't really think that night is a good idea
H: We could do another night? But not Mon-Wed as D is working late which brings us back to the Thurs-Sat option.
M: It doesn't matter we won't go.
H: Mum!
M: Maybe another time
H: Would you rather we had a take-out?
M: Maybe
H: You could come here and we'll order in
M: You could come here, there's more space
H: (WTF?) Mum, do you just not want to leave the house? Doesn't us coming to you sort-of ruin the point of you going out for the night.
M: I don't mind you coming here and ordering Chinese if you're paying
H: Well have a think about what you want and remember it doesn't have to be Chinese.
M: *ANGRY* Why won't it be Chinese?
H: (whoa) We'll because we're ordering in it could be anything you like it doesn't have to be Chinese if you fancy something else.
M: I want Chinese

WTF then why won't you come out for the nice booked and paid for Chinese dinner!!!!
Ugh I spoke to my dad about it and he just went "you can't tell your mum anything" and "she's just worried they'll be drunk people there" and "she won't listen if you tell her otherwise."

Now I realise who I get it from. Whenever I get invited to an event I get anxious about the number of people there, if it'll get out of hand blah blah, and I always think I'm crazy but don't know why I feel like that...apparently I've been brain-washed into worrying about stuff like that. It'd best have some secret use in the future, like zombie control or something and not just my ticket into a mental institute..no wait I can't go there, they'll be too many people.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Me caveman, me stuupid

I recently brought myself some 'Pop Tarts,' mainly because Thought's Appear keeps mentioning them in her blog which has awakened some long suppressed addiction that goes back to my childhood. So as I scooted around my supermarket I dragged D down "just one more aisle" to get my precious beloved pop-tarts.
I've been enjoying them...up until last night when I had one of those crazy caveman moments.
I put my pop tart into my toaster and grabbed a plate ready for it to pop. I did my little yummy pop-tart dance until it was all gooey, crispy and ready to eat, I grabbed it and put it on my plate.

-insert caveman moment-
Ouchie, my hand hurts why hand feel burny? *drop poptart* why hand still feel burny? Hot thing on plate now...ouchie very hot and burny why this pain happening? *examine hand* Owowowow very, very burny!
-end caveman moment-

The filling had smushed out of the pop tart and attached itself to my finger - like oil - and continued to burn my skin.
I'd have included a picture of my owie but my camera seems to be created only for a right handed user, poor left-handed D, and I can't photograph my finger and hold the camera at the same time.

It really hurts, I had it in a custom made finger bath for most of the night and kept showing it to D and whimpering "Holly's finger hurty" I got no sympathy for my caveman stupidity.
And today my injury is hampering my pen-holdage. I might have to make it a crutch later out of some matchsticks.
You can be sure I'll be using tongs, an oven glove or both, to remove any future pop tarts from the toaster.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Blogger for a day

I've decided to let D abduct my blog this morning only because the email he sent me the other day was so funny I wanted to share it. As a bit of background to the email D is a project manager at his company and his job is to streamline, remove wastes and make everyone's jobs easier and not in the band-aid kind of way. To do this he's been working some odd shifts so he can get to the root of the problems. This is the email I received from him yesterday, names have been changed to protect him. (I call her Petula because it sounds like petulant and that's what she is)

"Ha!!! A big fat fuckin HA!

I came in early to watch a startup on line G, this is something I didn’t speak to Petula the team leader about in advance. Subsequently she had all sorts of questions as to what I was doing first thing this morning which I didn’t mind and was prepared for.

I did my observations and noted them down. I asked Petula whether the repeated slicer issues have been dealt with and whether she intends to check on the stauts of the slicer before start-up. I asked her if the press’s sideloader which had been a pain last week was sorted. Her answer was that everything was under control (and she seemed offended that I should ask).
By 06:30 she was set up and able to get a coffee while her staff turned up.

06:55 comes and everyone is back down on the line. Petula does her final check, a headcount of staff on the line and the staff do their final check – the “am I sure I can’t fake a sicky”.

06:59 and the machinery starts up

06:59:10 and the machinery stops, the slicer issue has come back and an engineer is needed.

07:18 I pick myself up off the office floor, tired from laughter, I decide to look through the window and what do I see but the engineer, still working on the slicer.
"

I laughed so hard! D has been often viewed as just someone 'sticking his nose in' when most of what he has to say is good, after all he's employed to be the person who takes a step back and can see flaws from the outside and then works with the other members to try and make things easier and better for them. But as they say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Poodle!

See D this is what happens when I DON'T get a puppy for Christmas, I start wanting stupider and stupider breeds!
Farewell desire for a King Charles Cavalier, I now wants me a toy poodle. I will call her fi-fi and she will be mine :D


Last night we watched our French TV channel - just to prove we could understand it (we are having language wars of who can speak the most languages), and 'Grand Cabaret du Monde 2011' was on. It's similar to our Royal Variety performance but way cooler as it was one big fancy circus.
My favourite act were the six dancing poodles, they were AWESOME particularly the baby poodle who was trying to copy it's mum and dad. I tried hard to find video footage of the poodles to share with you but I can't find anything on-line. If you have better search methods than me the performers were "Duo Emelin : Dressage de caniches"
The adult poodles were not so sweet (I DO NOT like the shaven poodle) but the two baby poodles were adorable.
I want one.
D was cringing and trying to turn the channel over as my "Awwwwwwwwww's" went high-pitched and my eyes turned to large watery circles of greed and wanting-ness.
I cannot tell you just how cute they were (which was mega-cute), poodles dancing with other poodles, poodles in a conga-line, poodles jumping over other poodles. It was brilliant.

So since I can't find the terrific video, I shall share with you the back-flipping poodle - also awesome.

Friday, 25 March 2011

It's time for learn-ding

This week I've decided to share the things I have discovered this week for the betterment of our education;

1) Why a Cobweb is a called a Cobweb
Cob is a word that can trace its derivation in the Middle English and was used to signify a spider. As the word cob is no longer in use to describe a spider the web that is no longer inhabited by a spider can be called a cobweb.

2) Pate' is nice as long as you don't ask what's in it

3) If you wait long enough, eventually Dixon's will put another 10% discount code on-line so you can buy the new laptop
So far it's been 10%, 8%, 5%, 8% ... anyone see the pattern here?

4) Trying to spend excess cash before the tax year ends is harder than it looks
Everywhere seems to be out of my usual stock or has lousy stock in but I really need to spend my excess cash - quick.

5) No matter how many times D says he'll put the sun lounger out...he won't

6) My written German is surprisingly good
D needed to re-direct an email at work which was sent to him in German and probably by mistake. I wrote him a response;
"Hallo,
Meine Deutsch ist nicht sehr gut. Ich habe der gedanken deiser nachricht ist nicht fur mich. Wenn es ist fur mich konnte sie bitte ubersetzen auf Englisch.
Danke meine europaische freunde."

which translates to;
"Hello, My German is not so good. I have the thought that this message is not for me. If it is for me could you please translate it to English. Thank you my European friend."

I could become a foreign negotiator, as long as I only had to write things down and they didn't mind me screwing the tenses and feminine/masculine terms up.

7) I am a karmic dustbin
"That guy's a moron....hey it's happened to me..."

8) Table cave's are only suitable for the under 8's anyone older bangs their head

9) It doesn't matter that the front and back doors are both open the cats still walk face first into the window

10) D does nothing at work all day except stare at himself in a mirror all day and then return home and tell me how hot he is.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Monkey see, monkey DO-H!

So, the other day I was being served at the post office when it was discovered that a previous customer had left their bank card in the chip-n-pin machine. I had one of those holier-than-thou "pfft what an idiot" thoughts, handed it in and went on my way.

Today I have left MY card in the chip-n-pin machine in the book store in town. I blame this completely on how the guy serving me made me move counters, which caused me to trip over the shopping basket stack and being handed some books by my dad so I had my hands full (but not in a I-just-got-my-card-back full way) We then meandered on home.

It's a mere four hours later and I've only just realised my error. Unfortunately the store is closed now for the night so I had to make a 'Sophie's choice' decision to either have good faith ring up tomorrow and hope someone handed it in, or cancel my card now (so no-one can use it - did I mention it's my business account chock full o'cash) and wait the 3-5 days it takes to get a new one.

I chose cancelling it. I know my town, it won't be a sweet old lady who picked it up and handed it in, no with ym karmic luck it'll be a drugged up whore buying "Grow your own drugs" books, desperate for her last fix...
I did check with the operator however, when cancelling it, that it wouldn't effect my on-line dominos pizza order.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Dragon Slaying (for beginners)

My Dad's speech went down well and it was a good day. He'd worked in our town's steel plant for 34 years and at the end of it he discovered that the UK company director from London, who he had never met, had heard of him and made a special journey down to present him with a much desired company watch.
The day was full of interesting stories and it was surprising to see a much respected work-side to my Dad.

After we'd had cake I took on my two nephews(2$5). They'd made swords out of plastic blocks and I created two shield from an old cardboard box and took them round the house on the pretence of slaying a dragon and then rescuing the princess. We followed the dragon footprints (in the pattern of the carpet) hid in the kitchen when it flew overhead and then raided it's cave (under the dining table) for treasure. Once we'd done this once my mum got involved and wanted to plant real treasure in the form of some "dragon beans" (smarties sweets)
So as she planted the treasure I had to convince the boys to basically re-play what we'd just done, not very flawless.
When they did discover the sweets (this took ages since we'd been playing make believe so well they saw treasure EVERYWHERE) and as we'd slayed the dragon we decided to take over the cave turning the dining table into our den.
We then were attacked by giants and had to tickle their feet to get them to go away. (Maybe attracting them had something to do with us being hidden underneath the food on the table) After that the knights had to slay the evil witch who sadly managed to slay the knights so the princess (how did I end up being the princess?) crept into the kitchen for a cup of tea.



It was a fun time though, would have been better if halfway through our play I hadn't been in serious pain which sent me to bed for the next 48 hours. This scan date had better hurry itself up. I want to be able to play under a table/crouch down without being in agony.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Ugh I've been poxed!

I've been fighting a cold-like infection for the past few weeks, it hasn't been able to get it's filthy disease-ridden claws into me though. I've put this down to the fact I no longer deal with people at work face-to-face, unless they are behind glass, and that I now work from my nice cozy home and not my old sub-zero shop.

Well a few days ago the house began to get really cold and I mean really cold. I was waking up and feeling like I swallowed some ice. On Saturday we discovered that the boiler had a leak which had made it decide to switch itself off...D has now fixed it, or so he tells me...funny that he said that last week when he caused the leak while bleeding radiators...
Given this crack in my defences, the cold threatened to make an appearance but I stayed snuggled under my blanket while working on the sofa so I showed it who was boss.

Then we went to visit D's mum, his two littlest brothers (5 and 7) were there and I was surrounded with calls of "Holly Holly look at THISSSSSSS" "Holly let's play this," "Holly this is how you play this level" Holly watch me win this game" "Holly can I show you my new game, blah blah."
They are sweet boys and I enjoy spending time with them, however I wouldn't have the energy to do it 24-7 so kudos to D's mum for having everlasting patience. The littlest monster happened to have a full-blown cold and it happened to also be the littlest monster I was sat with sounding out the letters so we could spell words on a laptop game - in close proximity. So each time he spoke to me it would go "Holly, Holly *cough cough* look *sneeze* at thisssssss *cough*" Did I mention he doesn't cover his mouth?
After TWO hours with them I returned home feeling fuzzy headed and by 10pm I was sure I was turning into a giant cotton-wool filled scratchy hot thing.
Yes a 5yr old has poxed me! And because I was filling their time and distracting them D has survived unscathed. I think that entitles me to a medal!



At least tomorrow I am going to see my nephews, perhaps I can pass this "gift" onto them...that's how you get it to leave you right? You spread the disease, I know I'm right, that's just what the "sneeze into a hanky" ads don't want you to know so they don't get it. Then again if it was publicised "Sneeze on someone and your cold will go away" the world would be a...different, place.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Speech

Please give your verdict on the speech I hope to give at my Dad's party.


I’ve learned many things over the years from you. I know how to hang wallpaper, but I won’t promise I can still do it, or that the wall hasn’t fallen down. I know how to catch a fish, okay so I’ve never actually succeeded doing that with a rod, but my fish traps are pretty effective. I can build a campfire, whittle a walking stick, scavange from the woods, build a sand sculpture, play golf (badly), cricket a little bit better, and do many other things too. They may not be skills I call upon daily but they are useful to me nonetheless. I mean heck if I ever get stranded on a desert island I’m going to be just fine. By the time I’m done it’ll be the best decorated golf resort around.

One of the most important things you’ve taught me over the years is the value of hard work. For 34 years, you’ve worked long and tiring hours to provide for your family. Your job was often harder and muckier than the dream job of being the first man to break the land speed record in a Fiat Brava. You’ve taken us all over the globe on holidays, there have always been plenty of gifts on Birthday’s and Christmases, and over the years you’ve allowed us to pursue many hobbies and activities.

When I passed my GCSE’s you said to me that, as a parent you always hope your children will surpass you, well without all of your hard work and dedication, we would never have been able to achieve as much as we have so far.

Enjoy your retirement dad, you truly deserve it.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Crisp Kingdom

After my doctor visit I had wallowed into some depression, depression which could only be cured by CRISP SANDWICHES.
The more I realised we had NO crisps or BREAD in the house the more frantic my demands for Crisp Sandwiches became. Eventually I managed to force D through constant whining to go buy some crisps. And by that point I had gone to crazy new heights and demands. I now wanted a multitude of Crisp flavours so I could combine them and figure out the truly great crisp sandwich.
You may think I'm crazy but I felt blue and I wanted to do something cheap, fun and gluttonous to make myself feel better, since I'm off the plonk.
(I have fatally discovered that the plonk has better pain-relief capabilities than the pills I was prescribed and have since been drunk daily overindulging)

D humoured me as I marched around the store picking up bread, butter and six varieties of crisps as well as some chocolate and chewy sweets as an aperitif.

(I have a picture but it won't bluetooth and D's still in bed so I can't get him to fix it for me)

I have discovered through large amounts of trial and error; Prawn Cocktail Crisps sandwiches are NASTY, that Cheese Disco's are better than standard cheese crisps. Wotsits are a die hard favourite but BACON FRAZZLES ARE AWESOME! They make EVERYTHING taste better, except prawn cocktail, I wasn't going to waste a frazzle on some icky prawn cocktail.
Let me add that D suggested the prawn cocktail flavour and then refused to eat it..sassmfassm..

If you don't know how to make a crisp sandwich but would like to try one this guy has made a funny step-buy-step instruction, he adds cheese and tomato ketchup - I really don't cause what's the point of a crisp sandwich if you soak it in stench sauce before you eat it? How can you appreciate the crisp subtlety's that way? So give it a try, but just leave out the cheese and the ketchup k.

Best Crisp Sandwich: Bacon Frazzles with Cheese Disco's and a sprinkling of wotsits :)

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Doctor Update

Just a quick update as after waiting for two hours in the waiting room I've been poked, prodded, made to wince and now feel quite sick.
My doctor had this time remembered what job I do (is that in my file?) and that my gallbladder has gone, but still felt the need to ask me if I had my spleen (well yes, I do, did you not notice that fact while you were poking my stomach?!?)
I have possible appendicitis or an ovarian cyst...funny they said that 6 and 8 months ago yet all my tests kept coming back clear...
At any rate in the next 6 weeks I am getting another ultrasound and then back to see him for another consultation. Hopefully these ones will show something constructive (but not deadly), I am SICK of being in constant discomfort!

Happy St Patricks Day!

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Bloodties and Rubbish Consultant's

I'm due to see my blood consultant tomorrow at the hospital. I have a hereditary blood disorder which can cause complications and I need to be poked and prodded twice a year to see how broken I'm getting.
I'm dreading it because I've been in a lot of pain recently and last time he told me my pain could be "psychosomatic....not that I'm making it up" Gee thanks mr. doctor man.
Even worse he told me it sounded like my Gallbladder was causing me problems....
to which I replied "Well let's go get the jar it's in and take a look then shall we" Yes my doctor had FORGOTTEN that I DON'T HAVE MY GALLBLADDER ANY MORE.
I'm fully aware tomorrow I have to fight him until he orders me some tests and get's me fixed, for months I haven't been able to walk, sit, stand or lay without being in serious discomfort and it's affecting everything I do...enough is enough!

On another note my Dad turns 60 tomorrow and finally retires from his hated job. We are having a party on Sunday and my Mum has just called me to ask me if I'll give a speech/toast. To which I said yes, because, I mean, how evil am I if I say no? But then she said "Don't do what your brother did at his 50th and say he's a git" Uh...mum..we don't have warm fuzzy feelings of him... (and I get that the REAL reason I'm being asked is because the family will be there and they want it to be a nice fuzzy speech and not my brothers mentalist account of our childhood.)
I have no idea what to say, sure we get on now I'm out of the house and we're all "adults" but being a kid there was horrible, but I'll figure it out and you guys are going to be my audience *nods* Yes I am going to put it on here before the weekend and you HAVE to tell me if it oversteps. I think I might talk about how he always seems to be tutoring me in what to do when the world falls apart, I mean I can make stuff from nothing, fish, know what wild plants are edible, can swim, can make fish traps, make fires from nothing, find shelter in a shelter-less area, direct myself without a compass....sure these skills are now rusty but I always got the feeling I was being trained for something. D will be mending things in our house or we'll be walking through the woods and I'll just mention something I've been taught over the years and he gives me this whole "how the hell do you know that?" look.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Garlic - A Tale of how Gourmet Ranch is destroying my life

I recently got suckered into a Facebook game. Now I'm not one for playing these games, well at least not since I left my old, boring, lonely workplace and started having lunch in front of the TV at home instead. But for some reason I've become, shall we say 'addicted' to the game Gourmet Ranch. The idea of the game is to grow crops, cook meals, sell goods and run a small cafe on your ranch, and it's surprisingly good.
In fact it was so good that I went out and added a whole bunch of strangers to my facebook friends just so I'd have more farms to visit and to help me level up faster. I need to unlock more crops to grow and therefore more dishes to cook, the main crop which I desire is GARLIC.



Today I visited the local market in my town. I was happily buying my salad greens when I saw a whole tub full of garlic cloves, I got so excited as I thought about how much levelling up I could do now and how I could finally make that potato dish when I suddenly realised I wasn't in the game.
I didn't buy any garlic, damn stuff probably wouldn't have fitted into my disc drive anyway.

Monday, 14 March 2011

The Science of Couples

Now this may be one of those "Mind Body, Spirit" posts, fondly known by me as "Modern Bull-Shit" but do couples who have been together a long time have a way of pushing thoughts into each other's minds?

For example today at 15:05 I was hanging the washing out when I had the strangest urge to ring D, he just all of a sudden popped into my mind and I couldn't get him out again. So when I got back inside I tried to continue my work but kept feeling like I should call D or something. At any rate I decided I didn't have anything to say to him other than "Hi" so I should just let him work in peace and get back to work myself.
At 15:12 D rang me. Just to say hi and to tell me he's feeling poorly, but I couldn't help but wonder if;

a) D had been thinking "I'll ring Holly when I get back upstairs to my office" and that the feeling filtered though the ether to me so I began to feel like I should be speaking to D myself.
b) Maybe I popped into his head as he had mine (randomly) so he decided to call me
c) Maybe at 3pm we both have been apart for "so long" we want to talk

I find it odd. Now it does sound like a one-off but over the years we've had a startling knowledge of when the other needs help. When we were dating D left my house at midnight and biked home, about 5 minutes later I got this horrible feeling he needed me, I rang him to find he'd just been in an attempted mugging and then the guys had then chased him in their car as he peddled furiously home. There are several varieties of events but I won't bore you with them.

Now D and I are both interested in the science of the mind, and after one too many sci-fi films documentaries, we both speculated what the other parts of the un-used brain could have been used for. Our favourite and most agreed idea was that of telepathy, maybe way-back-when speech wasn't so necessary since you could just speak directly mind-to-mind, perhaps mainly through stance and body-language or perhaps through thought.
Let's just say we have trialled many fun experiments to see if that is the case.
One of which involves holding the word, image, number or shape of something in your mind and letting the other say what it is - and we don't narrow down the options to make it easy as long as it's real it can be used.
We have discovered that D is better at sending an image and I am better and sending the word itself. And while it doesn't work every time (the longer we test the less we get it right) and it does make both our heads hurt a lot if we do it too long, our success rate is quite shocking.
So ends the crazed ramblings of myself after what has felt like a very surreal and crazed weekend. Thoughts are welcome, but please leave all strait-jackets by the door.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Computer Error


Problem:
Roarke-in-the-box : When Roarke's fur has clogged the laptop(box) fan so the laptop no longer operates for more than a few minutes.
Solution:
Buy a shiny new laptop!

My precious! I'm now waiting for this to arrive so my lap topping can continue!
I may be on and off sporadically for the next fortnight until I get it replaced, let's just hope the laptop faeries bring me my shiny RED laptop soon :)

Thursday, 10 March 2011

She's making her list, checking it twice,

Some of you may be aware of my '100 things to do before I reach 100' which are currently just 37 things but that's just because I'm all undecided and stuff.
Well it would appear that the cosmos is about to give me a helping hand in regards to achieving some of my most sort-after goals.
D received this from work;

It's a frikkin' masquerade ball, just like the one I dreamed of as a kid waltzing round my bedroom! D has gently informed his co-worker that I want to go too and by gently I mean he just told her I was too excited for him to calm down so I'm coming with him and he'll wait outside if there aren't enough seats.
I've already brought us some velvet masks which we can decorate ourselves (cause then we will be completely awesome) and all I need to do now is find out what I should wear so I can decorate my mask in the right colours - I'm totally psyched!

I was surfing my emails yesterday when the on-line news informed me that Northern lights are going to be visible over UK skies throughout the next 12 months!

Woo-hoo and if I haven't seen them by February 2012 I can hop along to Scotland for a weekend and see them then before the earth shifts or it rains, aliens invade or whatever the reason for it disappearing in March is.
That's another date to mark on my calendar so I can knock them off my list.
I have also just received into my grubby little hands a copy of 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' so now I can accomplish that too!

It's totally brilliant! At this rate an Elephant will move in next door and give me a puppy, which teaches me to drive. So we go on a road-trip to Las Vegas but lose all our money gambling and are forced to make patchwork quilts for all the hotel rooms and bake Christmas cakes before they ship us to New Zealand where I get my palamino just for turning up, I go for a hack, catch a fish, play the guitar for hand-outs and finally return home to my bathfull of pic-n-mix. Oh yes, it's all happening now

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Twitterature

I want, no I NEED this book. I discovered it while re-ordering my stock and boy-oh-boy it looks like a fun irreverent look at some of the "greatest" pieces of fiction;

From Oedipus: PARTY IN THEBES!!! Nobody cares I killed that old dude, plus this woman is all over me. Total MILF. From Paradise Lost: OH MY GOD I'M IN HELL. Perhaps you once asked yourself, ‘What exactly is Hamlet trying to tell me? Why must he mince his words, muse in lyricism and, in short, whack about the shrub?’ No doubt such questions would have been swiftly resolved were the Prince of Denmark a registered user on Twitter.com. This, in essence, is Twitterature. From Hamlet: WTF IS POLONIUS DOING BEHIND THE CURTAIN??? Here are over 60 of the greatest works of literature – from Beowulf to Bronte, Kafka to Kerouac, Dostoevsky to Dickens – distilled in the voice of Twitter to their pithiest essence, providing everything you need to master the literature of the civilised world, while relieving you of the task of reading it. From Dante’s Inferno: I’m havin a midlife crisis. Lost in the woods. Shoulda brought my iPhone.

Finally a book that will laugh as I laugh, that mocks as I mock and that will dissect the many literary fictions that I read. Let's just say it had my interest at 'PARTY IN THEBES' and had won my heart over entirely by 'iPhone'. I must buy it...for...self. At any rate even the title is kinda cool and if it's anything like my complete works of Oscar Wilde It'll be another perfect book for D hitting.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

King of the Rone!

For D's birthday he said he only wanted a card and some Toblerone, so I went out and I purchased him 25 bars of Toblerone...


I decided there was no way I could wrap them up, so I hid them in the bed.

I made a sort-of 2D pyramid

It was great, Roarke nearly revealed the surprise by falling off bumpy toblerone filled bed, but thankfully D still managed to fall on them when he went to sit on the bed


D then had to go "one better" and try build a 3D pyramid

3....2...1...take the picture! It was an unsteady pyramid

Then D made the mistake of letting me play with the pyramid

"I'll save you!"**

*I have 53 shots of us trying to get this photo...51 of them were D's failed attempts and 2 of them were mine, yes I did it on my 2nd try :P


Argh!

Friday, 4 March 2011

Incy wincy creepy crawly spider in the bath, you know he's only there because he wants to have a laugh...

The events of last night;
I am getting ready for my bath (supervised by Kitalpha) when I see her darting around the hallway, thinking she's just playing with a toy, I bend to see what she's trapped in the doorway...
"oh..it's..a...eight..legs....ARGGHGHGHGH"
Kitalpha isn't trying to kill the spider she just keeps putting her paw on it then letting it go, then putting her paw on it, this spider is the size of my clenched fist and Kitalpha was shepherding it TOWARDS ME!!!! Every time I tried to move somewhere safe she'd re-direct the spider back toward me.
I started screaming; "KILL IT KITALPHA KILL IT!" But Kitalpha didn't seem to know what I meant as she was now driving the spider towards me again and my precarious position trapped beside the bath. This is when I realised I had to get help from the professionals;

"D!!! ARGHSHS HELP ARGHHH D! ARGHHHHH HELLLLLLLLP!"
I then jumped into the bath - fully clothed - to get away from the spider.

D came up the stairs in hysterics having heard my screams at Kitalpha and having deduced it was a "spider-related incident" he then struggled to do anything but hold himself and laugh finding me stood fully clothed in the full bath.
Eventually and with, let me say, no help from Kitalpha and plenty of my high-pitched screams, D coaxed the spider out from under the cupboard it had retreated to and proceeded to use the toilet brush to squash it into oblivion.

And you know what he said to me when he left?
"If you hadn't have been screaming you wouldn't have scared Kitalpha and she would have killed the spider"
WELL if she hadn't been trying to BRING-IT-TO-ME I wouldn't have been screaming. Clearly we need to start spider training with them again.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

My summer of musical education

When I was a small child of four or five, my parents took us all to wales for (what felt to my tiny brain) like the entire summer but was no doubt just a fortnight.
In every bar we went into there was a jukebox and I would beg and plead my dad for some pennies so I could go pick a song. I was soon known as the little girl who ran madly to the jukebox and proceeded to read all the titles off so I could pick one. I'd stand at the jukebox demanding in my tiny high-pitched voice, "I want QUEEN."
My Dad would select Queen bohemian rhapsody and I would twirl around the dance floor acting out the parts of the song I understood.
One day an old (to me) man was picking some tunes and asked me what I would like to hear to which I, of course, screeched "QUEEN." *music starts*

ME: "That's not queen"
Mysterious man: "Yes it is"
ME: "nuh-uh where's the gallalio,gallilao,gallilao"

This is when I learnt that QUEEN was not the name of the song but the artist. This is also where the poor MM learned that all his cash would go on trying to appease the small sobbing child with the song she wanted, and when it wasn't on the jukebox, the poor MM attempted to sing it off-key to the small woeful child.

While we travelled my mum must-have been in a Belinda Carlisle phase as the music journey around Wales was filled with her songs. This backfired heavily on my parents, my small impressionable mind quickly picked up the tunes and the lyrics (well some of them) and every time we got in the car I'd start going "Berlinda carstile berlinda carstile" until someone would put that music in. I even tried finding it on the jukeboxes in the pubs we went to but it seemed Wales hadn't heard of Belinda.
Whenever we went to a beach I would draw circles and start singing "circle's in the sand go round and round" while dashing around. My mum even changed the lyrics of "Honey leave the light on for me" to
"Mummy leave the light on for me I'll be scared before you close the door so give me all the light that I need" - this fatal mistake haunted her for the next eight years whenever she would try to turn the hall light off on her scared-of-the-dark daughter.

One night there was a costume/talent show at the park we stayed at, my parents dressed me up as an unruly tooth fairy and coached me on the poem I was going to say. The whole "contest" went well, initially, I was sweet and cute but when the singing round came despite my mum begging me to just sing the song from the little mermaid I looked at my 'twinkle twinkle' singing competitors and I was DETERMINED I was going to sing some Belinda Carlisle. I stood out on that stage and started singing
"Circles in the sand go round and round" (blank stares from the audience, maybe this is because I started at the chorus) "mumble mumble rooms of what we've found" *more blank looks* "I didn'ty beep my heart or two my love is all you neeeeed" (how can they not know this song, my mum does) "Circles in the sand go round and round"
So I didn't know the lyrics but I was determined to show them what an awesome song it was and started prancing around the stage. I think I saw my Mum actually cringing.

Nobody won the competition, we all got "winners" certificates and goody bags, but I swear I made a difference and future welsh sales of Belinda's CD were solely down to me and people wanting to know what on earth I'd been singing.

The whole deal backfired on my parents though as the entire 5 hour journey home was filled with Belinda, even when my mum tried to "break" the cassette my skilled 4yr old mind repaired it.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Uh-oh and the Worst Wife award goes to...

So it's D's birthday on the 6th and I've kinda-of, sort-of, forgotten. I got so distracted with planning his February scavenger hunt, getting him an xbox game shipped from abroad, his trip, being ill and my giant workload that I totally forgot there is a whole birthday day on the horizon that I need to shop for and plan.
I have no ideas what-so-ever, other than to make a bed covered in giant Toblerone.
And I mean I have NO ideas at-all I used up ALL my totally awesome ideas on the scavenger hunt, and now his birthday is going to suck. To make the matters worse he doesn't even know what he wants apart from a card and some toblerone so what help is that!
So today I'm going window shopping (did I mention I'm poor) in the hope that something will stand-out that I can get him, now the last time I shopped like this I brought a mug, chocolate, bookmark, flowers, a candle, oil burner, incense holder and picture frame (can you tell I was totally lost for ideas) and the person receiving the gift gave me a "WTF" face.
I'm usually awesome at gift giving but now I have no idea (D jinxed me with his "your an awesome gift-giver"), I want to do something unusual and special but I can't think of anything. UGH.